Journal Entry – 09152017

I’m sitting on the train on my way home thinking of what has happen since the last entry and how I got to this point where I am unhappy in general of my life. I know the parts of me feel broken inside, but I’m not exactly sure when it broke inside me, but I think it happen towards the end of my trip to Ireland. After coming back, I realized how unhappy and I need reboot(“kinda of like Flash Point, but more to do with me.”) in my life.

I think about what made me unhappy and the first thing that comes up is it started earlier in the year with my hearing. earlier this year I had a really bad fever to where it had effected my hearing. After going in an out for tests, I have been diagnose with Meniere’s disease. Mainly right now effects my right ear, But what does it mean to Meniere’s disease? I am learning that it affects me very personally and emotionally to the point of where I feel left out, alone, and that sometimes I want to withdraw myself from social settings. Granted it made me appreciate my ability to hear and made me focus on stuff that matter most me that in involves my hearing, the negative effects I’m struggling to deal with today. Several months ago I went out to a meetup event at a brewery on San Carlos. The brewery called Devil Canyon Brewing Company. It was fun, alive, and the beer was great! I got to met people in the group and share stories with them. In some cases I was not able to hear a person speak, because it was ether too loud, or they spoke to softly for me to hear. With is sad, because I felt like there was some lost opportunity to connect with someone or when someone tells a joke and everyone is laughing and I am not because I could not understand they said.

I feel that the house is a reflection of me. I looked around the home and I would feel sad at the fact that the place was dirty, unorganized, and stuff just piled up and even feel closterfobic at times. I remember when lived in SJ, my place was clean, neat, and organized. I felt happy and proud of myself because it felt that I was talking care of myself. I do realize now that I need to make my self a priority and give myself care and love. In addition, I do need to put myself first and take of my needs and wants. Although, maybe if I get into another relationship in the future, I hope to be someone’s number one as well.

To be continued……..